#Depression – DEMON-HUMAN-ANGEL

As an evolved person, you will consider yourself unique and special, the same as everyone around you. You have definite purposes in life and you don’t feel the need to compare yourself with others. You will never do any nasty things and disguise it as “ego”. You won’t compete with anyone, as you are aware that only you can do the things intended for you.

If you want to evolve yourself without much struggle, there are only two ways, as shared by many spiritually enlightened gurus: either you have enormous intelligence or you have enormous trust. What may be the easiest way? what may be hindering us from having enormous trust or enormous intelligence.

To evolve with enormous intelligence, we should be open and willing to learn and unlearn continuously from all the experiences and situations, the universe will be putting us into, in order to facilitate the process. To evolve with enormous trust, we should be able to keep aside skeptical mind and start blindly trusting the universe-the messages, the presence and even the blessings and keep on doing things as per our intuition. Though it seems easy to do, both options are challenging to follow initially. But once you learn to do it, both the options become very easy too.

There are many around us who are spiritually talented and evolved to a higher extend from many lives of learning, but unaware of it during their current life. Every learning they have is stuck inside them because for some reason they remain too skeptical in this life to realize their gifts. They just need to take that one step of blind trust and magic will happen 😊 .

So don’t bother whether you are evolving with intelligence or trust. As long as you are evolving nothing else matters and strive only for that 😊

Let me continue with the story of Samantha. Read Human Talk #2 for continuity

As you all may remember, Samantha & I had a very special relation. After reading the first part, many had asked me why did I leave her and moved away to another city, if she was so special. Actually, I don’t have an exact answer to it. I was still hung in a relation from 3 years ago, not willing to let it go. For me, Samantha was the person who was keeping me sane and alive during that phase and as per her, I was the same for her. But I believe either I took her for granted or never realized her value then. I was very excited when I received a good job offer from another city, where my ex-lover was also settled. I was still under the blind idiotic belief of revamping that relation even after no contact with her for the last three years. when i told Samantha about the offer, she immediately told me that I should go, since she knew how much I wanted to go and meet my ex. And that is how I shifted.

She used to travel to my city in between for her official works and we used to have good times as earlier. Meanwhile, incidents happened in my life which busted the bubbles of blind love inside my mind and brought me into reality. Similar to the pattern followed by majority love failure guys, I was living with a pseudo hatred for all women and strong disbelief towards the system called marriage😊 . Then our final meeting happened.

I was fed up with my life in the city and was planning to return to my native place. Informed Samantha about it and she told that she wanted to meet me before I shifted and the next day itself she flew in. Next two days we really had a blast: got drunk, danced around and laughed our hearts out. She had her return flight the next morning and the final night, she was drunk than normal. She was lying down in my lap and was still cracking jokes over some old stories. During the hysterical laughs, she asked very casually “ Hey, Idiot…I am just too bored with this lonely life. It is too depressing. I want to make you depressed too. So let’s get married “.She was still laughing after saying this, but I was taken aback and got very confused. Seeing me shocked she asked again laughing “ Why man, you won’t marry me then “.I got very serious all of a sudden and made big statements like “ I don’t trust women any more. You are the only woman I like now, coz I don’t think about your gender when we are together. I will never get married …”.She suddenly got up, hugged me and told me “ Hey, stupid..don’t you know me? I was just pulling your leg. Relax !! “. To be frank, I was so relieved then. We kissed, hugged and slept as we always used to do.

Morning even though I wanted to drop her, she insisted on taking a cab. Before she started, she hugged me and told” You know, you are a very special person. You will realise your value and start treating yourself properly one day “.She gave me a tight hug, kissed me on my cheeks and forehead and left. I had a very heavy heart after she left, but was very relaxed after I received her normal jovial funny audio message saying that she has boarded the flight. And that was the last time I met her and heard her voice.

There was no message from her for the next few days and I couldn’t get her on calls, but then it was normal for her. She used to call or message out of the blue since her work involved a lot of travel to remote locations with restricted network access. After a month I got a call which sent shivers down my spine even now after 12 years with its mere thoughts. It was a common friend asking me whether I was aware that Samantha had committed suicide 3 weeks ago, almost a week after we last met !!

I was shocked, devasted and grief-struck. I called many of our common contacts. Nobody was aware of what had happened. I travelled to Punjab with an address which she had once shared. She was not interested in discussing anything about her family, so I didn’t know anything about them. Somehow I traced her family, met her relatives and learned the shocking fact that she had acute depression since childhood due to losing both her parents in an accident. She grew up under the effect of a lot of psychotic drugs and had trust issues and never was close to anyone. I realized painfully that I was the only one she trusted ☹ and maybe she wanted to try leading a normal life with me. But unfortunately, she masked all those perfectly away from me and never showed any signs of it. I still consider it as my biggest failure and pain in my life till now, that maybe I was responsible to let her die !!

A lot of questions about her disturbed me since then for a long time. Some of them are still left unanswered. Leaving a few questions for everyone to ponder:

How could someone after being so close, mask their worst and painful emotions?

Why somebody has to suffer until their death, even when they are immensely talented compared to the majority around them?

Since this experience prompted me to go into a process of self-awareness, was Samantha meant to be in my life to trigger my evolution?

What may have hindered Samantha from evolving?

We as humans always like those who treat us well. Especially the ones who make us feel special & valued and the ones who always smiles at us and show kindness. But have you ever thought, what may be going inside that person: How did he/she learn to be so kind and how can they smile always? Did they have that trait right from birth or they have acquired it seeing others doing it or are they doing it because they know the value of kindness and love!!

They might have been in situations where they desperately wished for a lovely gesture or a kind listener, which they never got then. They might be still carrying the pain of those experiences, still depressed over it. But since they know the value of Kindness & love, they may try their best to give it to others. At what expense they might be doing that is the most concerning question.

Doesn’t mean that everybody is like this. There will be many who are genuinely so happy and who loves to spread happiness and kindness. We are talking about the group, who are suffering from inside, but won’t show it outside and meanwhile even try to make others happy.

So, who is the strongest: The ones who are happy inside & spreading happiness or the ones who are suffering inside and still trying to spread happiness & kindness??

Let me tell you the story of Samantha, someone whose memories still hurts whenever I think about her. I met Samantha when I was working in a metro city in India. A typical Punjabi girl with almost 6 ft height and the built of a man. Yet she was feminity at its best. She was almost my age and pursuing her third Post graduate program when I met her. She already had LLB, BBA, MBA and MSc under her belt and was currently pursuing her MSW. And we met for the first time, while she was trying to be a part of the social service (CSR) initiative of my company since it was needed for her project work.

I was handling those projects, so she was sent to me with her presentation and for the next one hour, she talked nonstop about her ambitions about the project and how she can help us in that. I actually wondered how can somebody remain so active with the same energy level for so long. I was very curious to know more about her. But I was running late for a meeting, so gave my contact details and told her that she will be informed about the selection in a week. Then I got busy with other meetings and by evening when I checked my mobile, there was a message from Samantha asking whether it was possible to have dinner together. Normally I avoid such situations because I always prefer to play safe and avoid situations which may land me in trouble. But for some reason, I couldn’t say No or avoid the message. I messaged YES and the next second she called me and fixed the location and timing. I was very curious and excited at the same time to meet her.

We met at the location as fixed by her, which was one of the famous poolside resto. We got seated comfortably. She was wearing a yellow floral single piece long skirt and I could see everybody’s eyes on her when we were walking. But she was not bothered. After initial chit chats, I asked her “ Why so may qualifications “.She laughed and said, the moment I stop studying, my family will get me married. She told that hers is a big business family in Punjab with many industries and business under their belt. She was the only kid and ultimately the only heir to all these. So they were looking forward to get her married and give the business to both of them. She didn’t want to get married and reached a final agreement with family like “ Till you want to study you study. Once you are done with studies, then marriage “ and hence she was choosing one course after the other.

We had a very good time together and many more like that and within the next few months, due to some circumstances, she moved into my apartment. I was a bachelor and had a single bedroom flat then, So we used to share the same bed. My friends used to pull my legs, most of the time out of jealousy. All they could see and say was how gorgeous she was and what all we might be doing in bed 😊

But the fact was we had a special relation, something which was tough to understand for an outsider. We used to kiss each other, but that was the kiss of a friend. We used to hug each other and sleep, without the slightest sexual feeling. I still remember coming fully drenched in rain one night, and getting drunk, and hugging & sleeping and realizing in the morning that we are naked. She used to tell me all kind of sexual tips. I used to do everything for her, including the most private of the things. We were like the best soul partners, one soul and one body.

She had a lot of very short relations in between and I was still playing the role of a broken heart Romeo, over a love failure I had three years ago. And then I had to move to another city. I left the apartment to her and moved out. She visited me a few times after that, we had a blast whenever she came except the last time I met her. She asked me a few questions casually then, to which I replied and then she left.

We never met after that. All the questions she asked me when we met last time, and the reason why we haven’t met after that, still rings in my ear and hurts me a lot. But let me share that in the next part…

Till then questions to think over :

Is there any chance that Samantha was hiding her emotions?

What may be the reason why we never met after her last visit, which happened almost 12 years ago??

Is it possible to have a healthy relationship like this between a man & a lady ??